Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Drake has all the answers
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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