it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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