So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
