Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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