btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
i need to put some appletini on your dick
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
