Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
We left an ass print on the piano.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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