dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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