She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
