I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
