now i know why i became what i already was.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
