dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
