would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Semen is not good for contacts.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
