So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
