I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
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