I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
