Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
