I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
