Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
