well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
