Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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