There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
