How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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