Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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