he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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