Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
