girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
