Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
