Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
