I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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