shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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