how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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