Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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