Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
