Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
