there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
