I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
