last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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