Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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