having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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