Acid is not a monday night drug
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
