I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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