there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
pray to the hookup gods
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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