i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
