We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
