Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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