Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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