tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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