I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Send help, water and tortillas.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
