I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
