I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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